Archive | December, 2006

up to date…dates are good, but not as good as raisens

18 Dec

Last night I partied in a Marriot hotel room with 9 other jews and 6 (real deal) arabs.If only the world could throw a giant hotel party, everything would be okay.

One of the jews (shes actually the president of Hillel at UofO) wants to go into middle east peace conflict, so shes learning arabic. The 6 arabs were UO students in her class.

It was a baby step. We were all in the same room, opposite sides of the room mostly, but we share a balcony when we wanted to smoke.

It was cool.

Group question: is there such a thing as TOO honest with mothers? I put some of that delicious red robin seasoning on some popcorn and my mother asks: what did you put on this?
Me: “red robin seasoning”
Mom: “Oh, hmm. did you buy it?”
Me: “No, I put it in my purse.”
Mom: ( response-less)
That on top of being open about my recent liking to cigarillos….should i start lying, or at least, masking the truth? My philosophy is usually, don dont it if you couldnt admit it to your mother. it just so happens i admit everything to my mother so…fuck. i dunno. i iss yall, take ‘er easy.

-BHG

my dad might be god? or jesus?

18 Dec

SO as many of you know (shout out to my WA homie Sunny Eggs), us here in seattle have experienced the Katrina of the Northwest complete with a black out across like 4 counties. Our power had been out for 2.5 days and it was the 3rd night of hannukkah. As we crowded around the fireplace for any semblance of warmth, my dad jokingly said “Let there be light!” I looked at him and said, “Dad, if that happened, I would believe.” All of the sudden the lights went on!! Then my sister goes “Woah, dad, you’re god!” and the lights go back off!! Woah. crazy. Like because she said something sacreligious the lights died again. They came back on about 3 hours later, but as this is the most interesting thing that has happened to me in seattle so far, i felt as if you’d all enjoy hearing it. Love/miss each and every one of you.
-Awkwardly Tan Aristotle

Death, you bitch, get out my way!

16 Dec

I dont know if this is crying wolf or just crying.

I WANT TO STOP HAVING NEAR DEATH EXPERIANCES!!!!!

I almost died again tonight driving home from the movies on a dark windy icy road. My car lost control. I swerved sideways into the other lane. This was the better of 2 options, because on the other side of me was a cliff*. there was a car about 15 feet ahead of me which obviously had trouble like i did, expect their car was hanging off a cliff by two side wheels and the people had gotten out and were waiting in the freezing elements trying to aviod cars like myself from hitting them in the spare time before Help came.

if i make it through the week, ill consider myself fucking blessed. happy fucking shabbat.

*cliff in portland is like a 45 foot nearly vertical hill of folliage,trees and the like.

death is only a minor detail

14 Dec

Today, i became a real woman.
To review ( especially for the goyim….), i officially became a woman chanting a dueterotomy torah portion as an awkward 13 year old behind the Havarah Shalom faux-wood biema. That day, i saw life from the top of roller coaster about to delve in the fast paced,exciting possiblities that layed ahead.
Cathliocs get 2 confirmations, so why shouldn’t I? Like a bat mitzvah second coming,today i confronted life once again, but this time, i was sorounded by a hundred strangers and crying todlers instead of old jewish men in suits and birkenstocks. But both times people were praying .

Desipte the cheesy melodramtic tone, this is a true story. It didn’t just happen in my bubble; i didn’t dream it and someone convinced me it was life; i have the urine stains on my pants to prove it. ( okay, not really, but seriuosly it happened.)

By now you’re either curious…or opened up facebook instead…as to what “it” was. What the fuck happened? Well, to start, It was suprisingly comical, and not just here in retrospect. As the flight attendents got everyones attention they retaught us how to sit when a plane crash’s and how to jump off the bouncy exit slide. I wanted to ask a) if we crash, does the way we sit actually matter? and b) volunteer to be a bouncy slide manager because of my extensive experiance with inflatable toys. But i did neither, because i was scared and confused. The semi undecipherable god-like voice of the loudspeaker enlightened us all soon:” Fire…plane…can’t land…turn…try lax…sorry…soo sorry…listen to the flight attendents.”

Someone would assume at this point there would be mass chaos. I mean, i would. But nope. The opposite.Silence. I was sitting next to a 20 something asian lady who taught japaneese children english over in japan and an advertising hot shot about a year out of grad school who spent the 10 hours we spent together either sleeping or dopey and dazed. The three of us hadn’t exchanged a single word until this point, but something happened in those few minutes when we thought we could, possibly die, if not get injurged. We all started making these disturbily hallirous jokes about our own demise, the plane crashing, and “at least we can go down with a laugh” attiude.It was amazing.

Eventually we did land back in la, we did have to evacuate the plane because it was unflyable, and a firetruck did come rushing up as soon as we landed and went RIGHT UNDERNEATH where my window was. Yup, i was sitting on top of the fire….sweeeeet.

So, moarl of the story- about 10+ hours spent in airports and flying and landing and flying and landing again- is that laughter is miraculous, able to lighten a lethal situation. even with strangers. laughter is so fucking awesome. yeah….

-bhg

What I Learned In Spanish 3

13 Dec

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House,’’ for instance, is feminine: ‘’la casa.’’

‘’Pencil,’’ however, is masculine: “el lapiz.’’

A student asked, ‘’What gender is ‘computer’?’’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘’computer’’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘’la computadora’’) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘’el computador’’) because:

1 In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

–Awkwardly Tan Aristotle

jetplane blues

13 Dec

WAAA I MISS YOU GUYS

~bhg

final finale

12 Dec

In one hour, all of us will be done with finals.
All of us will have completed one semester of college.
All of us will be able to advise the spring admits on where to go if they lose their id card.
All of us will go back home with in-depth knowlge of 4-5 subjects we didn’t really know before.
All of us will look back on the naietivy which we packed when we arrived but are leaving behind in the past.
Al of us will try to relive the magic our group when telling our home friends, but it wont suffice to how awesome it really is.
All of us will sit in the plane/train/car on the way home and think of how we’ve changed in just 4 months.
The anwser will contradictory-both drastic and diminutive-but certainly unquantifiable.
All of us will feel a bit uneasy at home because home no longer feels absolute…
Afterall, We also live in 1263 and EVK.
All of us will be bored periodically because there are not swarms of people around us from the first blink of the day to the last.
All of us will have an amazing time with our home friends, and be shocked on how much or little they have changed.
Then we will ask: did they change that much or did i?
All of us will stay in touch. period.
I will miss all of us.
thanks for being such amazing friends guys, HAVE A HAPPY HANNUKAH/CHRISTMAS/KWANZA,,,DIABETES!
love BHG

turning solid ideas into diamonds: naught, naughty santa

9 Dec

This post has a purpose, for a change:

we never did a secret santa draw, soooo:

Everyone post your name/home address here and we can either
a) everyone sends everyone else a under 7$ gift in the mail along with a letter/card because we’re cutre friends, damnit.
or
b) Secret Santa comes out of the closet :o! We each have 1 person to send a gift to we assign on the blog, so its not a secret, but the gift may be nicer since we’d only buy 1.

Even if we chose option B, i still think we should write eachother letters or postcards. Mail is fun.

Emily “Big Haired Ghandi” Zurow
6162 SW Evelyn St.
Portland, OR 97219

judging by the people who maaaay check this, looks like the exchange wold be between Awkwardly Tan Aristotle, Myself, Peace and FroYo, Sunny Eggs and Princess Party Bus.

Gimmie feedback like I’m Brice at a legitimate comedy club, no feelings will be hurt if the idea(s) is/are rejected. Well, i may hate you all and send you anthrax cards instead, but aside from that, no hurt.

Love and Marriage

8 Dec

To fulfill an abnormal friday ( no workstudy, but 2 finals, schedule turned upside down), i found these abnormal serman notes while browsing through the world wide web for something interesting to learn today. It didn’t take much sifting to find the gold .. or is it fools-gold? You tell me because I have no idea; does this have any merit?

“George Orwell predicted newspeak, which today is called political correctness under a jewish communist totalitarian state called democracy. We have ‘hate crime’ laws which Orwell termed ‘thought crimes’. Lenin and Stalin instituted ‘hate crime’ laws early on in the officially atheistic Soviet Union. One of the first being to outlaw any anti-jewish speech or writings, which were punishable by death. Under the ‘hate crime’ laws, the career politicians have legislated what is called ‘hate speech’. Hate speech means anything the jews hate to hear, especially the truth about themselves. Therefore, truth is hate to those who hate the truth.”-Sermon Notes of Pastor Mark Downey (http://www.kinsmanredeemer.com/WhyWeHateJews.htm)

I wish I had a stance on political correctness. I don’t get gyped or jewed or have reatrd friends; my teacher isn’t gay when he assigns a paper, niggers don’t make me uncomterable and spics don’t steal my stuff. places are sometimes ghetto, i admit, but rarley things or people. If the likes of that ol’ saying and Ghandi-esque ” (non)actions speak…” philosophy is true, than color me an Advocate of Political Correctness. A Fervent Advocate.

But ya see, my mind and mouth are like Compton and Beverlly Hills here. The Politically Correct Bandwagon is trying to bulldoze the freedom of expression in instances that are sterotyical, offensive or derogatory towards a certain marginalized group. And that is something I definity do not want to be a part of. Silencing people from saying offensive things doesn’t instantaneously silence their offensive thoughts. The difference is, if they say it they a)acknowledge that they feel it and b) have an opportunity to hear it refuted. My man john stuart mill sums it up nicely:Either (i) the opinion is right, so that silencing it deprives society of knowing it,Or (ii) the opinion is wrong, but silencing it deprives society of seeing it refuted. So the question in my mind is still foggy: is political correctness fostering or combating negative sterotypes?

This doesn’t mean I am going to start running around shouting ” hey you vietnamese squinty eyed whorebag!” I don’t want to offend people. Making people feel bad makes me feel bad…most of the time. It’s a pretty selfish reason. I don’t want to perpetuate negative sterotypes. But i feel like that should be done through the marginalized group changing their actions moreso than my changing my verbal expression. Because really, a society changing the way they talk about people and see them is just a change in discourse and rhetoric, masking the underlying issue of the stigmas attached to certain races,religions,classes, and so on. A huge part of me thinks that chaning our thoughts by the way we speak is just a quick fix, making a relasp into racism not only feasable, but probable. In my utopia, the problem would be solved by people learning to tolerate-even respect and appriciate!- other cultures…But in the end, i think Orwell was more keen to reality with his dystopia 1984. How does someone predict political correctness?It must have sounded just about as crazy as global warming. hah.

big haired

idea?

8 Dec

What do you guys think about a mail secret santa? A) getting mail is awesome. b) santa is awesome, especially if he is secret. c) secrets are awesome. For these reasons, and MORE, i like this extraoplation on alex’s ingenius of a group secret santa. For all of those who are in, the drawing shoudl be TONIGHT because awkwardly tan aristotle is leaving en la manana :(.

_ Ghandi con el pelo grande

It’s a Super Mario World and we’re just living in it

6 Dec

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a boy fixer. Right after we end our relationship they decide to straighten up their lives and become good people. Perfect timing. I date them in their awkward, “you’re the last person i date while i’m still a big jerk” phase.
Case in point: boyfriend Conor “cleaned up his act” this summer and decided to quit his player ways. Awkward moment: yesterday I helped him with girl problems. That was weird.

sunny eggs: drunky monkey has decided to “sort out his life” and stop being drunky monkey. I don’t know how I feel about this. I kinda thought it was funny being able to call someone drunky monkey.

I have been at work since 10:00 this morning. It is now 2:00 in the afternoon. The entire time I”ve been here I’ve been playing supermario world online. I’m on world 7. I am a mario god.

Hey hey hey, on friday marissa (love of my life in our house) is having her troy tones concert and post that socal vocals are throwing a ho-ho holiday fiesta. There’s supposed to be a menorah and dreidels. Please go with me.

First final was today in Culture Through Film at 8 am. I forgot my extra credit assignments in my room so after I finished the final (in 20 minutes flat…no joke) i superbiked all the way back to the room, tripped over every stinkin piece of hoobiewhatzit on the ground, no
isily printed off my assignments and flew back to my classroom to turn it in. I came back and napped with alex (in separate beds…damn)and every 5 minutes one of our alarms would go off and we’d punch in and go back to sleep. Alarm clock naps kinda suck.

one down, three to go!

-awkwardly tan aristotle
p.s. last night i played my first game of supersmash brothers against 2 boys and actually held my own somewhat. I’ve decided my goal for vacation is to get really good at supersmash brothers and then hustle people to make money. the end.

back it up back it up back it up

5 Dec

I feel the need to explain how the name of the blog- big haired ghandi- came to be.

It was a warm September night, you know the kind: crisp ir, dancing leaves, the whole bit. The shy moon dimly lit the night sky a pastel blue and underneath its illumination the campus heart was beating. Students by day had morphed into their scantilly clad night costumes of clingy and short and lacy and ripped clothing, the type whose purpose is to let the community know the secrets that lie beneath.

And there we scurried, a group of friends, buzzing with chatter, skipping and dancing our way to the White House. Our freshfest conselors brad and david were to be there, and since we knew about 10 people at USC, seeing two at once was to be a grand thrill.

Inside, we 3 way danced without touching (brads idea) and ate their bbq hot dogs…or if youre jenna, just the ben with ketchup.

In the secret hidden room, which sarah and i obviously went to, there was a statue. It looked like ghandi. So i pointed and called it ghandi. Turns out, thanks to sarahs keen observation, that it wasnt ghandi. i think it was a warrior. ghandis opposite.

Regardless, that night i was christened big haired ghandi, and hte rest my freinds, is history.

im meltinggg ahhhhhh

4 Dec

my mind is meltinggggggg
i’ve read so many freakin books on unknown tribes in unknown places that i’m tempted to screw college and run off to the jungle where I will become a half-naked shamaness who performs spells by singing “Rent” songs. Seems like a sweet deal to me.

today a lady at work made me look up an “unsketchy” auto repair shop for her. For the record: all auto repair shops are sketchy. And if you’re looking for an unsketchy anything, maybe u shouldn’t live in compton!
The end.

-Awkwardly Tan Aristotle

ps useful

2 Dec

General Ways to Annoy People
Announce when you’re going to the bathroom.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. “I’m Bob, nice to meet you…” “PROVE IT!”)
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate
Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Play “Pong” for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

TOP 20 OXYMORONS

2 Dec

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

LOVE BIG HAIRED G

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