Yom Kippur: I am Hungry

21 Sep

Fasting is a funny little concept. The logic is, without eating all of our focus can be centered on reflection and atonement. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not how it works. Not eating for 25 hours makes me uncomfortable, being uncomfortable makes me agitated, and being agitated makes it that much harder to make peace and not war.

It’s time to atone, to apologize to the world for being an ass. Where to begin? I usually have a laundry list of people, but I’ve really made a concious effort to improve my relationships. So on my annual fuck-up Yom Kippur scoreboard, it pans out that I’ve wronged less people…just more severley. I’m not sure which scenario is worse. Oh well, here is the start of what is a much longer list:

I AM SORRY…

…SELF. I’ve always been my own harshest critic. This quality has pros and cons. I hold myself to really high standards so I’m always trying new things and pushing myself to mentally expand and drop judgements.Unfortunatly, when pushing myself to reach my potential, I often negativly view my shortcomings. I can be more mean to myself than anyone else, and it’s strange how different a message coming from yourself to yourself is so much less constructive than it is just blunt criticism. My goal is to look at it like this: I am who I want to be in the present moment, despite all bagage and future ambiguities. I’m sorry, self.

…GRANDMA. She’s dying. The only thing that makes her happy anymore is my brother, my dad and I. Yet, I still made mental excuses while I was home for a chunck of the summer to only see her enough times to count on my hands. It was really selfish. I don’t like being responsible for anyones happiness but my own. I was in this exact same situation with my grandpa before he died, and I avioded him because I was too busy with soccer and school and being a kid.Excuses will always exist, I just need to suck it up and spend time with her because there wont be a ‘her’ soon enough.Everyone is counting on me to be there for her- i get calls from aunts and uncles to go see her so she doesn’t die. I don’t like my extended family, but my grandma does deserve to be happy. I’ll make a resolution to see her more over winter break. I’m sorry, grandma.

…MOM. I’m not the daughter she wanted, and she doesn’t get to be the mom she wants to be because of it. Life would be easier if I was a beautiful sorority girl who loved dogs and horses and always had a charming boyfreind and could promise her grandchildren and enjoyed shopping and cooking and family affairs. I’m just not. I’m sorry, mom.

…DAD. He’s a good guy, but i treat him like a disease for the most part. I can’t explain it–i jut have a deep, gut aversion towards him. I’ve been a lot nicer to him than I used to be this past year, but I will never be able to give him the relationship he wants with me. I’m sorry, Dad.

…ALL THE PEOPLE I LIED TO WHEN I TRIED TO GET HIRED: i must have lied to about 6 different manegers when i was trying to land a job this summer, telling them I wasn’t going back to school. Woops, lie. I’m sorry, employers.

…FOR BEING A HYPOCRITE: sorry world, i don’t act on half of the ideals i preach. I’ll try and step up my game. I’m sorry, world.

what a depressing entry. Well, i guess the day of atonement is kind of a downer day.Maybe i’m just hungry.meh.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: