Geriatric or Geri-AWESOME! You decide.

24 Sep

Literally, you decide. I didn’t think this blog was going to get personal, but hey, the personal is political so I shall soujourn into the nitty-gritty details of my life.

I got an email today from my mom. She and my dad chilled with my senile grandmother on Yom Kippur, and suprise suprise, my Grandma refused to participate in the holiday. Why? In the last few years, she’s come to the conclusion that I reached about 12 years ago: God doesn’t exisit. It seem ironic and unfortunate to me that in her first relitivly healthy 83 years of life God was the real deal to her, and now when she’s dying and believing in God would be benificial, it’s just a socially constucted figment of our limited, worthless imaginations. Side note- now you see where I get my cynicism.

I don’t think anyone anticipates being ‘that’ old lady or gent: the one defines the paradox of regressesing back into a needy childlike state as they gain more life experiance and perspective in their golden years; the one whose identity is so woven into the identity of their spouse that once one goes, the other is left perpetually unfulfilled and alone; the one who their grandchildren are coaxed into visiting by a trip to dairy queen afterwards. Color me naieve, but my take on ageing is that although the body can deginerate, the spirit does not…unless willfully provoked to do so. All of this makes me wonder, how the fuck can I prevent myself from being ‘that’ old lady?

The best I can come up with is a list of things I need to do before dying of old age.That way, there will always be something to strive for, and I will remain humbeling knowing I’m not done learning… Someone remind me in 70 years to look through my college blog archive to dig this thing out.

Before I Die Activity Wish List: The Idiots Guide to Being a Badass Senior Citizen
1.invent something, anything. It doesn’t need a patent, but it must be creative
2.write your memoirs and get them published and then buy your own memoir nonchalantly at a bookstore after casually asking the staff where author “zurow, Emily” can be found.
3. Make a playlist of your life using all of your favorite songs at that point in time in your life
4.Re-instigate the Impeach Cheney campaign for laughs–it’s better late than never
5. Take bongo lessons, and go play your heart out downtown like nobody’s watching every wednesday
6. Write a Letter to the Editor or a Letter to the President daily, just to say hi and give ’em your two cents
7.Pull practical jokes on your nursing home roomates
8.juggle at least 4 penpals
9. use the phrase “back in my day” minimum twice a day
10. Go on Ripply’s Believe it or Not tour for being one of the last existing redheads on earth
11.DO NOT go on any vacation that requires me to be a tourist; engage inthe culture
12. Send random people from my past postage letters along with a free sample of invention ( see point 1)
13.Do not be frugal.
14. Do not forget the 60’s.
15. Having a sega genisis and/or super nintendo in my nursing home room
16.Don’t be too mad at self for smoking cigarettes in your youth…because you didn’t know it was bad for you…yeahhhh
17.try to eradicate any reminants of Seperate but Equal with any minority culture
18. Do you still live in America?…that sucks…
19.Make fun of yourself because-trust me- everyone else is.
20. Don’t wear shoes whenever possible.
21. Invent a random holiday, make everyone around you celebrate it, and pitch it to Hallmark
22. Browse through Comm 395 course reader to see how far feminism has come
23.Lie to strangers for the hell of it, claiming you were the one who Shot the Sherrif, but You DID NOT Shoot the Deputy
24. You also beat Richard Nixon in a game of Scrabble
25.Preform beat poetry in a youthful ill-lit coffee house. Trade your old-people’s drugs for their new aged drugs and see what Soma is really like
26.Note to self: the television is not your friend.
27. Tour the country as a speaker.
28. Remember:it’s not over until it’s over: old is not almost dead, and almost dead is not dead.
29.Visit USC: is it anything special? sneak into the breakroom during greek rush and steal the snacks
30.Visit your childhood thinking spot under the bridge by the creek.Are they multi-story appartment buildings yet? If yes-egg them. If no–get out your elementary school diaries you wrote in by that creek and reminisce.
31. Just curious: does paris hilton look exactly the same with all of the botox?
32.Cry easily;feel strongly; speak wisely;laugh always
33. Never forget that the first thursday of everyother month is opposite day
34.Organize a rec league of wheel chair/walker freeze tag
35. Realize that because nothing matters, everything matters, and do whatever the fuck you want

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