Archive | 10:51 PM

Any Final Words?

23 Nov

My grandma said two things today, which is two more than yesterday so I’m happy i got to hear her voice for (maybe) the last time. But what she said is just…so her. So pittifully her.

The context: Grandma is concked out in the hospice bed, with myself, my mom, dad, two aunts, uncle and baby cousin( her great grandaughter) standing around her bed. Suddenly, she starts to get restless and opens her eyes. She glances around the room with these vacant, empty eyes, and her gaze settles on my uncle sitting next to her who is holding her hand. This is her eldest son who flew all the way from flordia yesterday to see her, whose brain didn’t recieve enough oxygen at birth causing severe social impairment and he still managed to go to USC grad school, who you talk to like he’s 10 but is more intelligent than I’ll ever be, who all in all is a gentle giant. Her final/only words to her son: ” You need to lose some weight.” Typical, typical. Even on her death bed she maintains her controlling and vain ways, and in a weird way, that makes me smile.Not too sure I can say the same for my uncle, but I have no remorse because he’s been alive long enough to know that everyone’s body is subject to critique and criticism at any family gathering and/or meal. I’m not condoning it whatsoever, it bothers the hell out of me and i just keep my mouth shut, but im just saying I will so not be surprised if those are her final words to her son. She’s never had a social-filter and just says whatever the fuck she thinks. It’s actually endearing, unless of course you are the victim of her judgements over something you can’t change about yourself. I have no idea where she got these conceptions of what the ‘ideal’ boy/man and girl/woman are, but she belived in them so strongly. Any deviation is a weakness in character. I was too athletic and thus not feminine enough and shouldn’t be going to usc if ” i actually want an education”, one aunt was too much of a pushover and the other too much of a rebel, and everyone but my mom and I are “too fat.”In my grandma’s eyes, my mom ( her daughter in law) is perfect and she calls her the daughter she never had…in front of her other two daughters. She likes dogs, art, jewelry, shopping, and is social, she is a petite lady with blonde hair and blue eyes and an ex-sorority girl/cheerleader who was raised with missourian values and a plesant midwestern diposition. My mom and I are obviously pretty different people. She says im not adopted. I’ll believe her, for now.

The other thing my grandma told me today was”India.” The question was ” where is your favorite place in the world you visited. Was it India?” … is that cheating?

mental age/chronological age x 100 = IQ

23 Nov

The day is over.


I am Thankful that this day is over.

I am a mess. But a smiling mess. I want to scream but it comes out as a laugh, and i want to articulate a thought but it comes out scambled. I’m hyper and tired. I’m going fucking insane. The first half of my day was spent in the Hospice, which by the way are much more peaceful than hospitals. I think i’d want to die in a hospice too…except that i’d want to die doing something really cool and outrageous, like go out in some epic teacher-on-the-spaceship-style. Whatever, hopefully that’s not something i have to deal with for a long, long time… but spending thanksgiving watching my grandma cuddle with death more closely with every breath has just been one hell of an emotional and intelletucal rollar coster. It’s bizarre to see the Matriarch of my family cycle back to the helplessness of an infant, curled up in fetal position, unable to speak or, well, do anything really. I’m glad I emergency flew home so i could get in some last words and quality time with her. Funny story. My Aunt, who is now a ‘Jew for Jesus’, rolled my grandma in to a christian service today when my dad left…my grandma is jewish, like jewish-jewish…and the hearing is the last thing to go…so some of the final words on this earth she will have heard are about Jesus. I think it’s kinda funny and ironic.

So one may assume that leaving the hospice would have been somewhat relaxing and relieving…wrong, dead wrong. One would obviously not be familiar with my extended family. Where to begin, so much material…Mmm, let me put it like this: we are one, big, handicapped family. There were 10 people, including myself, at our house for dinner. Of those 10, 2 are young people in wheelchairs, 1 is deaf, 2 are morbidly obeese, 2 have serious mental disorders, 6 are on welfare, and we have 3 races and a handful of religions represented. And we are all related. Like aunts,uncle,cousins, immidiate family related. None of us fit in with eachother, and in that way we all fit in as a cohesive group of outsiders who are related… i guess that’s the beauty of it. And in a very selfish way, having so much controversy in one family has made it really hard for me to judge anyone for anything, like..anything. We’re all people. I’m not saying i promote those behaviors, but they are behaviors, not definitions of people.

So Yeah, I’m fucking happy this day is over. Because i get to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Back to the hospice. happy thanksgiving.

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