29 Dec

Regret is stupid. Well, I’m being stupid and I know it and I can’t help it. Actually, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me if i didn’t regret some of the messed up childhod antics I’m ruminating over.

It’s a slow Saturday morning at work.I finished Steven Colbert’s book ( aweeeeesommmeee) and am blazing through book number two, Born On a Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant. It’s written almost like a memoir; the author takes the reader from his birth throughout his life, as the title alludes to, inside the mind of an autistic savant. It’s unexpedectly prompting my mind to tangent down memory lane…

I’m going to treat this blog like a little priestly confession box because I just need to get this out of my head. In elementary school, middle school and high school, I had classes with a wise, introspective boy named Thatcher. In fifth grade homeroom, he dominated show-and-tell time with an array of love-songs he wrote, reading aloud Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven ( which i associate with him to this day), and explaining his amusement park brain baby that he created to spend his inheritance on. Amoung other labels like creative and artsy, Thatcher was a higher-functioning Autistic boy. At the time I didn’ stop to even think what the world could have looked like through his eyes. Reading this book is giving me insight to what coudl have made him comfortable ( routine, repitition, rocking, social isolation, numbers) and what could have been distressing ( loud noises, overstimulation, social confrontation, etc.) Unfortunately for his childhood and my belated guilty concious, I was a Bitch. The things we did to harrass that poor kid…name calling, getting every cool girl in class to stand around him in a circle and bob while making beeping noises and ‘explode’ after 13 bobs, poke fun, exclude him, and list goes on. Terrible shit. To rationalize it, my friends and I were equally mean to other non autistic kids. But I should have known better and been sensitive. My dad is handicapped for god sake, my uncle, my cousinS, my aunt…exposure to handicap mental and physical shold have given me some empathy. I wish i could take back harrassing thatcher now, but how the hell would i even do that?
There are a handful of people who recieved no mercy from me. One other girl in particular in 6th grade, I was a ringleader in terrorizing. It was bad–she ended up switching schools. I formally apologized to her before she left, but honestly, what difference does it make at a certain point? The breaking point when I realized what a Bitch I was came when ( on a dare) I threw a quarter at her when she was on all fours coloring a science project poster and said something to the likes of: ” here’s a quarter, go buy a bra.” Yeah…since we all know I am quite volumptuous now, imagine the irony in a 11 year old version of me saying that statement, 4’3” 60 lbs, whose only use for a bra was as a fashion acsessory.
I’m friends now with another girl I helped bully in the 5th grade, and we ‘joked’ about it the other day.One week “shun” was conveniently one of our spelling words. It happened to rhyme with her last name. That didn’t work in her favor.
Another girl transferred to my middle school in the 7th grade from NY. She was in my Spanish class; on valentines day, I made really creepy valentines in spanish and gave them to her. She thought I was a lesbian until junior year of high school.
THe list goes on. I just don’t think there is much point to still feeling guilty about all of this. There it is, in the open, out of me and onto paper.

Back to this book though, it is interesting. A character was introduced and became part of the story and plot. Later, the author explains, ” Looking back, Anne was the personification of my feelings of lonliness and uncertanty.” She never existed outside of his mind. HAhaha.What?


One Response to “Confessions”

  1. Anonymous December 30, 2007 at 8:56 PM #

    I live life with no regrets, if you think about it, at one point you wanted it…but dude…you out do me on the bullying…This seems so unlike you. I think you have made up for it all now. Just remember to teach your kids to treat others well so the same thing won’t happen again!

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