tilted 23 degrees

30 Dec

Free Write

Suffocating, restless, secrets.All or nothing.

I’m about to implode. Literally, my belly button will transform into a dark, unknown vortex and suck in everything fleshy and freckley around it. I’m lost. And i don’t are if it’s a cultural taboo to admit one’s own shortcomings but I am fucking lost and it is fucking dark outside and not even the smooth sounds of john legend are jazzing me up.So many things are making my blood boil.I just want to unscrew my hands, unscrew my feet and just let all of the viscous magma out of my fucking body. I wanna Chain smoke and build it in my lungs and fill them until they burn and singe and inhale inhale and let it wallow in the open cavern that is my chest. and hold it, then inhale and it billows up into my head. dizzy dizzy out my ears and into the stagnant silent air and nobody sees anything is wrong. Fix me fucking fix me beacuse i can’t fix myself. Hold me, im so fucking cold and alone and detached and sourounded by tragedy because i cannot take a break from work because I am poor. I. Need. A. Fucking. Break.It’s not called winter work season. Nuts. I’m going nuts there some day. I love it and i hate it just like everything else in my life i feel it in extremes.
I call the fucking ambulance to save a seizuring womans life. Actually, not a big deal. But today she cries and looks me in the eye and tells me i don’t give a shit about helping women, that i don’t give a shit about what she has to say and the other staff and I are a self-interested joke. Haaah. I really had the option of ignoring my walkie-talkie, eating dinner, and letting her continue to seizure in the rain until she flatlined for the last time. But then the fact that i got so emotionally defensive made me think that there may be some truth in what she was saying. And when i really thoguht about it, she was mostly right. I work at the shelter for mostly selfish reasons. I do it because it’s humbeling and a learning experiance and I am inspired by the resiliance of every woman and child who works and lives there. I get all of that out of having the shelter be a novelty in my life for a month here, a summer there, and at the end of my 9 hour shifts I float away to their anti-world. I care about these women to be in the highest spirits possible when im there and do the best job i can, but then…what? Do i actually gibve a fuck about these individuals. Yes. But because they are them? Maybe. Because that could just as easily be me. More likley. It’s fucking selfish. And honestly, a shelter is kind of where i see myself living in about 45 years. There is no way the collaboration of my self-destructive habits and mindset by then wont melt me in a puddle. Like Alex Mack…..( hiatus taken out in free write)…. i just want to break free. release.
Another lady at the shelter told me about what i twas like to hear voices to kill your grandkids, and another told me that this shelter saved her life so at the end of the day i guess my view of how im spending my fucking days is somewhat balanced. fter work i went to an AA meeting because most women at the shelter go and so does the staff and , well, friends and family.I wanted to see what was up.And, after stories, ive decided: I AM STILL SO MUCH MORE FUCKED UP THAN THSE PEOPLE. At least they are activly on the road to recovery, i just ruminate and i can try my fucking hardest to be all i can but it falls short. god some of them had been though shiiiiiiiiiit though, but they seem logical. i am inept, completly unable to function, and all ihave e is impulse and impulse isgoing to fucking kill me and its probaly good i cant afford hard drugs 24/7 because i would most likley let myself slip into a nodding, blissfull addiction fuck.Thank god for being poor?

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One Response to “tilted 23 degrees”

  1. Anonymous December 30, 2007 at 9:15 PM #

    Wait a minute…you’re acting crazy! Where is this all coming from? First off no one said life is easy…why? becuase its not. What it comes down to is what you make of your life and the journey you chose to have. Out of all people that I know, you have a pretty bomb life and that fact that you do more than watch TV and spend your parents money is more than most can say at our age. What happened to the girl who understood that we were here to make the world better? Well my dear, that would be you.

    Don’t get me wrong, I know what you mean about working somewhere bc it makes you feel good…but that’s not the whole thing. You do care aut these women, maybe not as much as they would like, but thats becuase you are in school and at this point can’t give your life to helping.

    Now on to this whole you feel fucked up thing..we are all so fucked up its not even funny, and yes some people might be taking more actions to fix what is wrong with them than you, but that’s ok…and you’re stating that you feel fucked up and going to an AA meeting you should know the first step is to admit it…so look at you…you’re helping yourslef too.

    I think you need something besides this blog to take you out of your relam to destress….I find Yoga one of the coolest more enjoyable soothing things I have done for myself. I mean, drugs can be fun…but NOT that fun! Life is so much better when you can live it with out the enhancements. Think about it…life is a blast with out all the drugs.

    Oh my…i feel we need to talk…but its on you to talk to me..i have said my little bit.

    and Thank god for being poor? Really? Think about that, being poor means you need others to help you to get out of what you’re in….No no no….trust me, you like your education, your nice warm room the ablity to do what you want to do and eat yummy food.

    Ok, im done

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