8 Jun

how many sleepless nights will I spend aching 

body mind and soul

to take one more breath

in case you call 

me tonight

so I can sleep.

Awake: daydreaming about nights I sleep in peace, again.

Aware: painfully aware, of the jagged hole in my heart and holding myself

in the dark, the silent dark, rock a bye baby  nurturing myself

flexing my strength, makeshift maternal inclings, to lullibye

under a star dotted night sky, my inner child.

Hums stoke and chocked up throat  she sniffles and i whisper

to her to me out loud so my walls can testify:

shhh, i know it hurts baby, but it will be okay.

and inside my chest it tightens. it expands and tries to

fill this desert. fill the deserted,

fulfill what true love built by being

true to myself to make it though

what feels like the longest day of winter.

solitary confinment my misery 

eroding my composure and ability to speak properly

so when i unhinge my teat rusted jaw my mouth is dry

and my throat is parched and my voice has deserted me

after feeling deserted and not knowing what to do.

All i want is to love and im seeings my self and my image distort and fade like a stone thrown

in water, so far away, because salt water runs from my vision like an ocean

swelling from a place inside me

so deep and intimate its to profound to conceive

and the very substance, the life blood, the water that i am made of–my love–is no longer freshwater and the saltly watery me is toxic to me and my love is toxic to me when its not returned with the same audacity of defying monotony and illuminating pavement into the palace path for roots, trees and poverty. And how could I see the beauty around me when that me is drowing in my own tears, distorted, needing to love somebody, who says ‘your love is not whats best for me, its not you it is me, tells me hes sorry, so sorry baby.


i will always love you. And i hope you will always love me too.


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