Once upon a time I was Joy I was Sun I was Spectacular.

20 Jun

And Now…

I hate what you see in me.

(Because what you see in me is the worst in me.)

And i hate what you bring out in me.

(Because the worst of me is alive & cancerous anger grows in me.)

And every way your words turn you’re mirroring me.

(Because the Me you see is a reflects a Shadow Me, hurting & not healing Me.)

When you resent me, I resent me–even if I am proud of me.

(Because I hurt you hurt myself crimson tears and blue blush blood surge through my veins in cold sweat I want to scream but chocked-silence,voiceless, hate love, shout, skittish, fear, knowing, direction, love, fear, knowing.)

And it is strange, I know, but I am coming to find that my

pride and resentment in the equation of  Us are parallel lines.

Us is tearing me apart.

Because i love you more than anything else,

but, to often, my love is

a million dollars in a bank account, untouched.

What good is love without expression?

The last thing I want is to see how you see me, cringe, and run, run, run.

I want to work on me to be a better me.

So i can see the pride you see. So i don’t have to overcompensate within me.

so i don’t have to attention seek.

I want to work on my shortcomings, face and embrace and work on the for me.

But in the meantime, you need to help me- be patient, understanding, and supportive. Kind in helping me see what I am not aware of and gentle in delivery. From what you tell me, I think you think I am a witch. Sometimes a goddess, otherwise, a needy witch. And I can’t sleep while you sleep soundly.

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