Ballsy

8 Jul

Episode One [1.01]

[Signature dishes]
Gordon: Describe the dish.
Andrew: This is Andrew’s Absolute Penne.
Gordon: Andrew’s Absolute Penne? (takes a taste of the dish and spits it out) That’s absolute dog (bleep). You taste it.
Andrew: (tastes the dish) Could use some salt.
Gordon: You think you’re smart don’t you?
Andrew: I have my moments.
Gordon: And how long have you been working as a professional chef?
Andrew: Ten years.
Gordon: What a waste of ten years. Get back in (bleep) line.

Gordon: (After tasting Ralph’s dish) And what position are you?
Ralph: I’m the number one.
Gordon: You’re the number one? With that (bleep)?

Gordon: First name?
Dewberry: Dewberry.
Gordon: Blueberry?

 


Gordon: Hey, hey, come here, you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where’s the medium one?
Colleen: The medium one’s here, Chef.
Gordon: Where’s the medium-well?
Colleen: The medium-well’s here, Chef.
Gordon: Where’s the well done one, then?
Colleen: It’s right here, Chef.
Gordon: So what the (bleep) is this one?
Colleen: I don’t know.
Gordon: You don’t know. Is this a joke? A little “Ha-ha,” “Tee-hee,” and “God Bless Nebraska?”

 


Narrator: With Rosann’s dish receiving a good review from Chef Ramsay, things might be looking up.
Gordon: (reveals Petrozza’s dish, which is a whole pumpkin) Oh, (bleep) me…
Narrator: …Or are they?
Gordon: What in the (bleep)? Happy Halloween?
Petrozza: (interview) People ask me what my specailty is. But, you know, I don’t have a specialty; I can cook anything.
Gordon: What is that?
Petrozza: There’s a Cornish hen inside, Chef.
Gordon: A Cornish hen? What’d you do to it to get it in there?
Petrozza: It got in there– I got it in– I got it in there.
Gordon: Oh, (bleep) me. (removes the pumpkin) These are potatoes?
Petrozza: Yes, sir.
Gordon: In how much grease and fat and oil did you fry ’em?
Petrozza: There’s some butter in there.
Gordon: (holding up the potatoes, letting a ton of grease run off his arm) Some butter in that?
Petrozza: That’s a lot of butter.
Gordon: Well, just stop there. That goes in there. (scrapes the potatoes into the bin) And let’s see what we got for trick-or-treat, shall we?
Petrozza: Okay.
Gordon: (removes the top of the pumpkin,) Oh, my god… How do you get in there and eat it? I mean, am I missing a trick?
Petrozza: It’s plated tableside.
Gordon: Oh.
Petrozza: It’s- it’s presented like that.
Gordon: Alright, off you go. (Petrozza splits the pumpkin open, revealing a greasy blob of food.) Oh, my god. Okay, stop right there. I don’t think I’ll get through that, do you?
Petrozza: Okay, no.
Gordon: So, what’s the, uh… dish called?
Petrozza: “Hen in a Pumpkin.”
Gordon: Right now, looking at that mess, I’d like to stick your (bleep) head in there, you know that. (tastes the dish) It’s dry.
Petrozza: Yeah, well…
Gordon: And the pumpkin’s not even seasoned inside, it’s bland! You’d have a better chance of sticking a candle in there for Halloween to make me happy than you would sticking a hen in there. (bleep) off.
Petrozza: (interview) Chef Ramsay said he was looking for something memorable. And you know, I believe my dish was memorable.

 

 

 

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