Archive | 10:37 PM

Facts of life, free write

26 Jul

Fact: I never knew how beautiful I am until I saw my reflection light your eyes.
Fact: and now that you turned your back squeezing your eyes leaving mine open, hurt, vulnerable, I will not let the rejection of your love and lust for me demolish the love and appreciation for the beauty I breathe I speak I write I paint I laugh I cry I listen I learn I learn I learn I am: living running glowing freely breathing one step two step liberating heart beating falling out of chest like thump- nobody- thump thump- can love me-thump- nobody- thump thump– without leaving me. But then I reach the summit and down I soar, shooting star steering with two compass rose petal feet protecting my direction as my own, unbeknown to me, the first feeling in too long of a liberating alone. If loving me at my worst is easier than loving me at my strongest because one day, you or otherwise, i know the best in me will inspire the best in my be’sheret growing alone and growing together, the best in me brings out the best in him too.

Fact: I was taught to love, love fully, and left– like all the men who have told me they loved, left once again, though not through joint and not kin, a more hurtful left because I was so honestly me at my craziest core and he said it was beautiful, he said I am art, he said I am living breathing art, and then left. Now deliberately it is declared he shall try to love me no more, and here I am trying to trace my steps and see just where unlovable lies in my own being to make a once hopeless romantic tick tock time bomb explode my ability to trust anyone ever again because I always get fucked and still I see something that I am so proud of in me: he may have introduced me to my capacity to love, my spirituality, my soulstres beauty, the music I see in the leaves that weaves and bob in the baseline of the anthem he heeds, Shine On, and though you retract ‘i love you’, take away ‘baby’ all away from me in a surprise and an episode that remains somewhat a mystery, I will Shine On. Because I am a strong young woman, I am a rose in the concrete I am a seed and if our love was a growing tree, that you chose to chop down so willingly, you cannot will not have not don’t think for one second you harm the seed in me, because I will resurrect stronger more brilliant more knowing -maybe less trusting- but stronger nonetheless and my smile will ignite fireworks under a Chilean harvest moon and my laugh will harmonize with bells ringing in skies of Istanbul and my love will heal and my love will grow back and my life is mine and I am living; and my life is learning and I am learning; and my knowledge of my own abilities is limited by my timidity to take a step into the territory of pushing my limits my lovely lovely limits–could it be that there lies so much uncharted territory because of the safety comfort tranquility of loving you led me to risk not taking the risks life offered me, the biggest risk of all. And while i wonder i wait for the memories to infiltrate the night you slept in this bed of mine, my bed, by my side that first night when we looked at photographs and hiked through trench and got to know each other bit by bit. Of the airport roof when we declared our love for the first time out loud. Of the ring you gave me that reads i love you. Of JJ bear. Of jingle jangle jamz. Of all the time you fed me and quenched my thirst with the song of your voice to lullaby my restless sleepless self into slumber hearts beating and sound sound slumber. The one thing that I never could do, leave behind you, because you were my north star and wherever you were your voice your tone your touch your moan your eyes your smiling eyes and your love made my heart at home. But since you broke it off, and you say i am no longer the subject you want to swoon and muse and love and be loved I have no choice but to splash cold water on my face and remember what my friends are saying:

“Emily, he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend; He doesn’t even want to be with you. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he he wanted you at all, he’d make it work. He doesn’t want you anymore.” the hardest fucking perspective I’ve ever swallowed and accepted and said in my head ‘Owww motherfuckinggoddamit oww, but, breathe, be, and be well, and be alive more fully than ever before because now I will see the stardust in my trail as i shine on.’

I don’t know how to cope gracefully so i imagine the goddesses in stories i admire and am to emulate their sacred feminine and maybe one day graceful ill be.

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