5:44 AM–Daydreaming of sleeping.
Tangled up in a scarlet cocoon of covers, my mind makes unexpected U turns and screeches to a halt at unanticipated stop signs on a time-traveling voyage into my memory bank. I did not consent, yet I am steering. Two minds in one brain: one, the sum of my nature, nurture, memory and experiences, my song; the other, a foreign installation, a formidable advisory, my socialization.
Something about the night illuminates vulnerability that goes untouched in the daytime, as if the shadow perpetually lives at high noon beneath that sun so long as it’s in sight. Similar to a kaleidoscope, finding the light directed inward during the nighttime, the reconfiguration of random experiences focus and fade, focus and fade, morph and disassemble as soon as they focus in and fade away.
As I lie waking, the world is rewinding, rapidly. As I lie waking, still as sleep, in a dark room of a resting house, clearly the mind triumphs over logic and while my body fakes asleep my mind moves mountains like tectonic plates. The truth of tonight: I generally distrust people; however, I am terrified of loneliness, living and dying lonely. Not a probable fear, afterall I am human, humans are social animals that follow their motivations to circumvent such fears, but a fear nonetheless.Alone is far from lonely. I relish in time alone. I lose sleep considering living and dying, lonely.