States & Traits

9 Jan

What if the first day you meet me, I am drunk?

Snap (hypothetical) judgement. Would the fundamental attribution error favor the person or situation? Am I drunk or am I a drunkard?

The truth of the matter is I am drunk in a situation where the risk:reward ratio is a zero sum game: my gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the others in my social environment. The other truth of this matter is that I have genetic predisposition to addiction, alcohol time and again being the anvil on the back of fallen family soldiers. As it turns out, I do enjoy drinking occasionally, albeit not habitually, to heal emotional pain in hopes of lightening spirits, if only for a fleeting faded memory in the making. What temporal wand of morality, what pearly gate platoon here on imperfect earth is playing by a self-serving set of super ideals, slipping the face cards of one suit in their own hand, as if they were both the actors and the audience in a paradoxical play portraying the fundamentals of dramatic irony. These are Should Be’s. By now to me the rules are clear:  my role here is cookie cutter clear and if I cared to I could give the performance of a lifetime. The difference is what you want for me, motherland & uncle sam, are not the same things or accomplishments or lifestyles or personal understandings that I want for myseslf, by myself, within myself, so to hell with the rest. Strangely enough, there is some seeping stick sappy sweet but filthy maple syrup satisfaction from preforming, as i ‘should’, better than others, yes, better than others who care from within the system and not outside of it: the females dieting habitually and fastidiously in the coming of femininity, as opposed to dieting as a way to say FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU AND YOU AND YOU, AND YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN SYSTEM TOO. But oh boy, you want to write on my body your template of morality, you want to judge me as a drunk when woops, I’m secretly a drunkard, or woops, its my first time touching alcohol to these sober lips, or woops (this scenario is my favorite) don’t bother with giving me the benefit of the situational doubt, yes I am drunk, and no i am not a drunkard, but try this dramatic irony on for size: in one year from today I will stand in a community center room and say for the first time, ” My name is Emily, and I’m an alcoholic.” More and more I have been discovering that our legal system and moral quotient in this weird western world is based on time and intent, intent and intensity and time.  Don’t NOT judge me today if one year from today you would freely judge me. I am not a drunkard but I may as well be. And for what its worth, we all judge others using our own conscious as a moral center. Would I do that? No. Then its wrong. Yes. But I would have more shame than that and tell no one. Yes, i would do that. There is nothing wrong with that. We are judging ourselves, cut out the middle men and face the mirrors.

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