Archive | April, 2011

Trying to find my balance [free write]

24 Apr

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I walked and walked and walked. All weekend. Trying to find new turns. Trying to uncover truth under an unfamiliar overpass. I followed my feet and the music and made my way all around LA. The tension built within me had me wound up and moving my body helps me find a stillness in my mind. My restless mind.

What was on my mind, one may wonder? Like the groundhog waking from hibernation: to squirm against gravity in resurfacing into a familiar yet brand new world is a feeling that supersedes the logic of trying to articulate the sensation. My eyes adjusted to the darkness underground. The cool dark walls and leaks and creaks has made a home for me since I moved out of my parents house almost 6 years ago. I like having nothing to lose. I like the simplicity of having only what I need. I found out that I got a job I had interviewed for. I am thrilled to receive the offer. However, the months ahead will lead to drastic changes in my life and I don’t want to learn to value the things that I see are illusory and material and I don’t want to lose myself in business and I don’t want my dreams and passions to extinguish and I know that all of my worries are my fears and there is nothing to worry about because growth is like a tree and my core and integrity growth with me as I take on life or life takes on me and it took me miles and miles and a weekend to feel at peace with it all.

My heart is heavy. Attachment feels like a 7 year old girls in rubber boots sitting curbside on a log sobbing into the clamor of thunder and rainfall. Wishing home would call out for her and want her back. Wishing there was a place or a voice that embodied the thumbprint of home, the place to be navigated by the northern star. I ran away when I was 7 for the first time. This feeling of attachment as a 7 year girl is mostly memory. I understood what attachment means to me when I felt detached for the first time. I do not attach easily to any one or anything. I love boldly. Too boldly? What a strange idea. An oxymoron. I feel like an oxymoron for continuously writing this stream of thought. I just killed a bug that landed on me with my bare hands like Obama. And with that, adieu.

I haven’t posted any graphic designs or photographs I’ve made or takenfor a while here, so check it out world, I am emerging above.

UnTrue to Form (Dream Journal free write)

18 Apr

I just woke up from a dream where I discovered that I am a multiplicity of people, entering and combusting, living with me or merely passing through me. We are all in this state of hyperbolic fluxes and flippant instability.  I am dominated by the path of two phoenixes simultaneously tracing my lifeline  along the same trajectory at the same velocity, but starting on the two opposite ends of life. I am rising and I am falling and I can clearly observe the world around me because my perspective is still while looking at the other phoenix moving at my own time.

Dream Journal [Free Write]

10 Apr

The first and fourth dimension meld into one and the same moment.

1st & 4th dimension folding into one another, collapsing a prism, melding the moment into memory.

The moment melds with the 4th dimension mortar (time), the mirror reflection of the 1st dimension (length), encasing the 3 faced prism into a package with the folding of an origami cranes beak. The moment is the ember of a campfire, and lifts towards the night sky, eventually swallowed by the darkness in the realm of nothing, stars and the space and position between.


Chalking up dust from quantum inquiries [free write]

7 Apr

Motion and position of atoms stir the properties which we perceive as sensory data: smell, taste, sound, light, our senses are instruments that translate the wind-whipped chaos of atoms in the environment into the experience of reality which we perceive.  Let it be known: atoms have no innate properties tied to sense. Reality is loosely a construct of shadows (perception) of illusions (sensations created through atoms’ movement and change of positions) of the immutable idea of the unknown.

We play games in domains and come to a consensus of methods about how to play the game. Athletes report the experience of ‘being in the zone’. That is, loosing a sense of self and maintaining focus while time passes like quicksand. I dare to open the following can of metaphysical worms: Moving a ball (think, atom) through space on a team that MOVE the POSITION of both themselves and the ball  are unable to be subjective and removed from the experience, for they are a breathing unit like gusts of wind and together create the magic kinetic spark of sensation. The loss of the sense of self is a tale type indicator of artists, scientists, athletes and creators; perhaps ‘the zone’ is our natural state, like the energy we were before we were born and we will become after we pass, and the dissolution of our ego and I limited by the very consciousness in out fingertips makes we for us to reunite in this life with the existence of the greater everything. The space between, the energy, the love.

Just some thoughts in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Decided to write them down.


5 Apr

Long time since I have permitted myself to process, record and POST a psycho-spiritual experience or exploration.

Today I am home sick from work. I may have dislocated  my shoulder or have an internal bruise on my lung or neither or both, but I digress–

I understand a central struggle reflecting on my life to be the alchemical process of purifying the darkness, in energy and understanding and humor, that I know like my left hand, into light through reflection discretion and being alive and surprised. and love. Like I am sanitizing the ocean of its bitter tears by transforming salt into freshwater. The curse of pioneers. The motivation revved by struggle which finds itself outside oneself for like energy moves in a magnetic and kinetic way…conductive and condusive, corroborating or collaborating, my task is to refine my knowledge of self and filter for feeling and intuiting these things through, with intuition, restraint, respect and knowledge of self and other, and finally, with intention and commitment to those intentions and discretion, I see the trajectory of my life in waving patterns. I was born with a fire inside of me. A spark. The fire is dangerous because a spark alone can illuminate the sky as a match to a firework or it can burn down a forrest.

Like i mentioned, I am sick so I am reading at home. Alchemy. Fixation. Gemini. Me. I.

Fixation in alchemy refers to a process by which a previously volatile substance is “transformed” into a form (often solid) that is not affected by fire. It separates the substance or object and puts it back in the same or different shape at a subatomic level.

It is one of the 12 vital alchemical processes that are required for transformation of a substance.


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