Tag Archives: alchemy

Interim Dream Journal

27 May

Lucid. Gradually, Lucid.

The dream began through my eyes in first person narrative and I died.

Dying and reawakening was confusing because when I came back to (from a coma in the hospital), I remembered being dead and through trying to reconnect and capture the memory of my death, I began to a crew all meta-cognitive functions while still in my dream. My perspective shifted from first person to their person, where I saw my body, had seamless access to the thought inside that body that were simultaneously flowing in my mind, but I was a soul and had no finger to point at lack of body. I relived the scene of my death. I was lucid and I knew it.

The dream felt like a thousand years long. I chose to relive the scene of my death and the aftermath of the hospital and then revisit the scene of my death again to face my fears of going back.

The dream took me to the ocean. There was a log floating in the middle of the ocean where we (self, brother, and people who I have and do care about, past) were swimming and splashing and playing. People started to leap on top of the floating log and shuffle across, jumping before it vanished into the vanishing horizon’s drop off. I was alive and loving the admiration of wide sparkling eyes  and up turned heads and the balance, speed, fearlessness and courage I challenged the task of the log with. Glowing, the admiration made me feel capable and I believed in my ability to soar. I went fast and fast across the lumber, saw there was an end to the horizon and while all the voices were shouting cautionary warning at me, I leapt and everything faded to black. Eternity. I vanished. I dissolved, I absolved, I dissipated, Everything I was and Nowhere and in no time I was particles drifting and humming on a melody with the ocean mist blowing where I desired, I was peaceful and peace.

I awoke in my drea in a hospital bed. My brother mom and dad were around me and I was confused and tired and in pain and like the IV attached to my arm, I gained memory slowly like dripping nutrients. They said I had been out for a long time and had gotten a concussion jumping over the edge of the oceans horizon. I said that’s not what happened, I had died and came back and jumped into the darkness and I floated. We returned to the scene of the incident, and I got back in the water. At this point I knew that I was dreaming and I relived the memory of my death (the dream repeated with meta-cognitive function and perspective). I was lucid and chose to stay in the scene and investigate its depth and beauty from all angles. I was in the ocean, just having awaken from a coma, and thought about why I came back here if I could go anywhere. I thought about the admiration for me courage that the others gave to me. I beamed. I loved that feeling, again. I relived it, again. I thought about the feeling of challenging borders and limits and the adventure f fearlessness against the body. I thrived and glowed. I was back for that, again. Is this ego Is this alive? whatever it was, I love that feeling, and I will chase it until the day I die. In the ocean again it was more difficult to swim as my limbs were weak. I called out for help and attention and there was a system of friend to support me and bring me to a boey. One person checked my legs to see if they were tired from treading water. They were not. I had reaffirmed my ability to continue on. I reached the horizon again and looked at it from al angels. My brother was there with me, beside me, the entire time. This time I saw that jumping over the edge may kill my body but I would not die. I exhaled salty ocean air and inhaled from sunshine. I awoke.

Edit: Walking home in the rain today. A red crack of a black light burst and ripped through the scene of for a millisecond, the illusion of the world, gray, bleak, wetness and slabs of cement sided with forrest and flowers, drained and disappeared. I look around me for passing cars or some easy explanation for the glitch. Answer sounded in rolling thunder about ten seconds after I begged the curious question. Like a jolt,  forgotten fragments of the above dream revived their vision and reclaimed life from the hallows of buried memory. They go as follow: there were three distinct bodies of water in my dream. A) a swimming pool, where a girl I casually know shared her swim teams challenge, how she had to tread water for four hours after the race in order to be an elite racer on her swim team. B) the aquatics center I played in as a kid, with huge slides and pseudo-tidal waves and C) The Ocean, where my first attempt upon recording the dream narrative began.

Lucid Ocean Dreamer


2 Mar

(Note: Below is a Word Document that I created one year ago today. Same Quest, Quantum Questions.)


a) a representation of each archetype embracing an image/ symbol of me

b) all archetypes coalesce into a composite image


*’Shakti’ means life energy. The Bhagavad Gita says, “Without Shakti, Shiva is nothing.”

*The Sacred Feminine is seen as many things…:

Changing one,

She who denotes life death and rebirth.

She is fertile, Fecund one who ruts in the fields,

She is the Terrible one who devours and destroys,

She is the Loving arms and Nurturing breasts

And the sacred Yoni, the Transformative one.


The Sacred Feminine

Bright Mother:

Conceives, births, and sustains life;

Encourages and empowers creativity;

Encourages independence and individuation;

Intuitively knows in her body being the cycles/seasons of birth, life, & death.

Shadow Mother:

Her own mother-wound is unhealed;

Has not individuated/separated from her mother;

Merged with her mother’s negativity/toxicity;

Clings to what is dying/decaying, doesn’t let go;

Can not nurture life due to her own wounds;

Cuts off emotionally instead of separating in a healthy way.

Bright Amazon:

Knows how to accomplish things in the world;

Serves Truth not ego, no matter what the cost to her ego;

Faces her fears directly and embraces her shadow, is committed to her inner work, growth;

Faces others’ shadow  & negativity with courage, heart & skillful means;

Can say “No” and “Yes” appropriately & clearly;

Keeps agreements and commitments with self and others,  is faithful, reliable & on time;

Stands up for and protects her inner child;

Can plan, strategize, make decisions & take right action that serves highest Truth not ego;

Not a victim – owns responsibility & actions.

Shadow Amazon:

Lives & acts from fear rather than love;

Overly controlled, rigid, defensive, abusive;

Sees herself as a victim, cannot stand up for her own inner child or her own heart;

Can be masochistic & self-effacing;

Aggressive – abusive – pushy – disrespectful;

Unable to plan, decide, carry action through to completion – gives up/collapses;

Cultivates confrontation, provocative.

Bright Lover:

Loves to love, merge, connect, relate – seeks relatedness, inter-dependence, real contact;

Spontaneous, playful, childlike;

Sensual, sexual, erotic, embodied, shame-less;

Values and enjoys emotion;

Loves & creates dance, art, music, poetry;

Lover and Creatrix of beauty, clothes, home, gardens, ambience – lives life as art;

Seeks communion with all of life;

Devotional, reverent, romantic, ecstatic;

Deep longing for the mystical experience & ecstasy;

Heart-full, forgiving, empathetic, caring, compassionate, relational.

Shadow Lover:

Not embodied, doesn’t care for body/health;

Unhealthy boundaries with people, food, substances;

Addictions – compulsive behaviors: eating, smoking, gambling,

Feels a lot of shame, guilt, self-hate;

Cut off sexually, sensually – puritanical;

Sexually kinky – uses sex to replace love or fill emptiness;

Unable to love or be vulnerable – cold or hostile;

Dependent and/or co-dependent – counter-dependent;

Denies needs, wants, feelings, intimacy, contact;

Idealizes others & denigrates self, feels unworthy;

Fears abandonment, loss of love;

Self-sacrificing, self-depriving, self-denying;

Shut down or cut off emotionally or physically, numb;

Giving or receiving are difficult if not impossible;

Full of negative emotions – feels like a victim of life.

Bright Mystic/Medial:

Loves the Unknown, willing to not know, willing to be willing;

Midwifes ideas, images, information, guidance from other dimensions;

Imaginative, loves knowledge & is strongly intuitive;

Walks the border between the physical manifest reality and other dimensions of reality – she moves between dimensions;

Spiritual teacher, priestess, healer, ritual maker, shamaness, teacher, poet, dreamer, artist, crone, scientist, alchemist, witch, psychotherapist;

Seeks and values knowledge, education, wisdom;

Has found her own internal spiritual authority;

Grounded, embodied, earth-connected;

Transformer, transmuter, midwife of the magical;

Knows spiritual power comes through her, isn’t hers, and uses it non-egoically with integrity, consciousness, & surrender;

Seeks power, healing and knowledge for the good of her community, not for self-aggrandizement.

Shadow Medial/Mystic:

Fears or refuses to answer the call to serve or use spiritual gifts to serve others – may become mentally or physically ill as a result;

Lives up in the ethers, denies body & embodiment;

Ungrounded, spacey, psychotic, borderline, chaotic;

Detached, cold, uncaring, calculating;

Does not do her own inner work, lives unconsciously;

Feels no connection to any spiritual life or higher presence,

Composite images or mothers hugging me.

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